When I was getting a few drinks with friends on Saturday night it seemed like I needed to go to the bathroom every five minutes. I knew when I was leaving the bar that I needed to go again, but I didn’t think it was so urgent so I didn’t. Big mistake. The place was around 2nd ave and 10th street, and it must’ve been 2:00 am or 3:00 am. I don’t remember, just that it was late.

When I got the Union Square station I thought I was home free because I had seen bathrooms in the station before. I assumed they were probably horrible public bathrooms akin to either the ones in Washington Square Park (are those still open?) or the one at the Virgin Megastore, but I wasn’t going to complain. Doors were locked, either they’re not public bathrooms or they close them late at night. So I had to go wait for the Q train, and luckily I got to sit on the bench, because it made it easier to hold it in. I was going to read the new comic I got, or listen to some music, but I realized during the attempt that this was so urgent it required all my mental resources.

So I literally closed my eyes until I heard the train come in, then did the same once I got into the car. Every now and then I’d get worried because the car would shake or vibrate in a way that was not helping. I managed to hold it until I got to my apartment without succumbing to uromicitisis poisoning. Nothing can describe the relief better than Homer’s moan from the New York episode where he needs to pee after drinking the crab juice, and he finally makes it to the bathroom at the top of the World Trade Center. I wish I had a WAV file of that, that’s some brilliant voice acting right there.